Keep Your Eyes On Me: Finding God's Light Through Domestic Violence
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this year I want to share the part of the story that's full of light, because God has been in every bit of it.
I'm loyal. I have grit. I don't give up on people. Those are good things, and for a long time they kept me holding on and holding my silence, afraid of what speaking up would do.
When I finally began opening up to a few close friends and a counselor, they told me plainly: NO, what you are living is NOT normal.
Picture me in that counselor's office. My arms and legs were crossed. My head was shaved, I wore no makeup, and I had on a cream trench coat in the middle of summer with my cowboy boots. Everything about me was saying, STAY AWAY FROM ME.
That shaved head had a story. I had a dear friend, now passed on, who had left an abusive relationship and shaved her head as a kind of rebirth, the start of no longer living in fear. After a year of separation, I was about to go back to my marriage. In honor of her, and as a pledge to myself, I looked into the mirror as I shaved my head and said, "No more fear."
It was armor, too. I was starved for love and affection, and strangers had noticed me and approached me in my beauty. So to protect myself, I stripped that beauty away as much as I could.
That counselor saw straight through the armor, leaned toward me, and said, "I hear you." Then leaned in again and said it slowly. "I hear you."
Then, at random times, in different places and different states, three strangers came to me with the very same message: God wants to be the lover of your soul.
The hunger I'd been hiding under that trench coat was exactly what He wanted to fill.
Looking back, I can see His hand everywhere. He reached out to me in so many ways, and He put people in place before I ever knew I would need them.
Before the hardest moment of all, I had a dream. I was sitting in a roller coaster seat, about to go on a terrifying looking ride. My brother Joey, who is beyond the veil now, came to me. He took the seatbelt, buckled me in, and said, "Get ready for a roller coaster ride."
His face was stern and solemn, and I felt a tremendous strength, not just from him but from an army of the unseen standing with me.
Then the ride began. I was circled, and I could feel the spit and the breath and the snarl, inches from my face:
I couldn't stop shaking. By then I had been trembling for over two years, even as I fasted and prayed and read my scriptures. I was buying bottled water. I paced every step, and I watched, and I listened, and I waited.
And then, unexpectedly, the Lord Himself took my arms and placed His forehead against my forehead, and I heard, "Keep Your Eyes On Me."
I couldn't out-think it, out-work it, or out-pray it on my own. I didn't have to. God's wisdom is higher, His strategy is perfect, and He fights for His daughters.
An abuser will not care who he uses as ransom to get you to say and act the way he wants. Not your friends, not your family, not even his own child. Children can be framed, pulled into court, or held over a mother's head until she drops a protective order or takes back the truth. If you see a mother suddenly recant or give in, please don't judge her. She may be paying a ransom you can't see.
For our family, it was the fight of our lives. And God was in every part of it.
In one of our darkest hours, someone I love was placed beside a stranger named Joseph Schutz. My late brother's exact name. The same Joey who had buckled me in for the ride. We knew we weren't alone.
Friends here. Strangers who showed up at exactly the right moment and said exactly the right thing. Some I knew for years, and some I met for only a moment.
I praise God for every one of them.
I'm so grateful for the family and friends who were willing to look back and see how slowly they had been gaslit and distanced from me. That takes humility and love, and it brought them home to me. Thank you.
If your marriage is safe, your advice comes from a world where both people play fair. "Communicate better." "Pray more." "Be patient with him." "Don't give up on your marriage." In a healthy home, that's wise counsel. In an abusive one, it can tighten the trap, because she has already tried every one of those things, many times over.
When Job lost everything, his friends did something beautiful first.
It was when they started explaining what Job should have done differently that they lost their way.
Sit with her first. Listen long. Believe her.
You may have been told for years that you're too much, not enough, crazy, worthless, or lucky anyone would have you. None of it is true. Your worth was settled long before anyone tried to tear it down, and no one can lower it.
He knows your name. He carries you in His hands. And He doesn't just tolerate you, He rejoices over you.
God IS so much stronger than anything you have to face. Trust Him. Believe Him. Allow Him to be the lover of your soul.
If you've been told you're crazy, you aren't.
Heaven is closer than you think. There are already people placed in your path, and you don't have to figure everything out today. You only have to reach out to one of them.
1-800-897-LINK (5465)
1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
thehotline.org
Hay ayuda en español.
Morning comes. I'm living in it, and I give all the glory to God.
With much love,
Steffi
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