Thank Goodness!

When My Husband Is Away

What helps me through the lonely evenings

When my husband is out of town for work, the days and nights he is away can pass so slowly. During the day, the hustle and bustle of caring for kids, cleaning the house, and making meals keeps the hours moving. But as evening comes, so does a quiet sense of melancholy.

Over the years I’ve gathered a few things that help. If you have a spouse who travels, or works long hours, or carries responsibilities that pull them away from home more than you’d like, maybe some of these will help you too.

1. Turn on music that lifts you

Positive, uplifting music changes the whole feeling of a house. I can’t tell you how much the hymn “Count Your Many Blessings” helps me when I put it on and let it turn my mind toward what I’m grateful for, instead of the hard thing I happen to be sitting in that night.

2. Practice gratitude — even for what you don’t have

My step-dad called me the other day and said something that stuck with me. Sometimes it’s easier to be thankful for what you don’t have than for what you do. Here’s what he meant:

I’m grateful my husband isn’t lazy. I’m grateful my husband isn’t unkind. I’m grateful my husband is faithful and good.

The hard part of my life is real: my husband is a business owner, and the weight of the company — the employees, the vendors, the customers — sits on his shoulders day in and day out. It has been this way since the day we married. (One of his first employees happened to be a dear friend of mine from college, and she’s the one who introduced us!) Being married to someone who carries that kind of load means there are seasons when work has to come first. Maybe for you it’s a spouse’s schooling, or a demanding calling, or something else that quietly takes time you wish you had together. Gratitude doesn’t erase that ache, but it does keep it from swallowing the whole evening.

3. Find a hobby you love

One spring and summer was especially hard. My husband was gone nearly every week on large commercial projects that needed his supervision. Once in a while we could join him, but mostly we stayed behind. One day I felt like I was going borderline crazy, and I prayed for help. The answer surprised me: I signed myself up for guitar lessons. The nights felt so much less lonely once I had something of my own to pour into — practicing, and singing along in my own kitchen.

4. Be gentle with yourself around food

Here’s something honest. One evening while my husband was away, I started reaching into the pantry without really noticing what I was doing. I wasn’t hungry. I was lonely. I nibbled a little of this and a little of that — some fruit, a bite of leftovers, a spoonful of honey.

(One of the things I grabbed was a sprouted-grain muffin — which, as a celiac, I really shouldn’t have, because sprouted wheat still contains gluten! A good reminder that tired, lonely evenings are exactly when I need to look out for myself.)

After a few minutes I stepped back from the pantry and simply noticed what was happening. Oh. I’m not hungry. I’m sad. That small pause — naming it without shaming myself — is the most useful thing I’ve learned. Reaching for comfort is human. But once I can see what I’m really feeling, I can meet it more honestly: a cup of herbal tea, a walk, a phone call, a song. And I try to keep my kitchen stocked with foods that actually nourish me, so that when I do want something, kindness and nourishment are within easy reach.

My son asked me the other day what my favorite junk food was. I thought about it and remembered my college days as a dance major, when I’d go too long trying to eat too little, and then finally give up and buy something called a “Zinger.” I told him a Zinger was basically a pink, coconut-covered snack cake kind of like a Twinkie.  He looked at me and asked, completely sincerely, “What’s a Twinkie?”

I had to laugh. We ended up giggling about all the packaged treats my kids have simply never tasted. They know how much I’ve wrestled with my health because of the way I ate back in high school and college. And they know that becoming everything God intends them to be — mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually — is easier when we care for the bodies He gave us. Not out of fear. Out of love.

A little about shopping

The best time to grocery shop is when you are not hungry. It helps to make a list first: decide what meals you’ll make for the week, write down the ingredients you need, and then stick to the list. Planning ahead also means less food goes to waste.

When I shop with my kids, I catch myself giving my oldest daughter the same gentle coaching over and over: look for the good. She’s learned to hunt down the fruit trays (I love grabbing them when they’re on clearance — a wonderful, healthy treat). My son likes to pick out a favorite fruit, and they both help me bag the produce. I’d so much rather teach them to reach toward the good than to fear the rest.

If cooking with fruits and vegetables is new to you, take it one step at a time. Try one new recipe a couple of times a week. And keep it simple — that’s the only way it stuck for me. I never loved the raw recipes with a dozen ingredients and a mountain of prep. I love plain cucumbers with apple cider vinegar, sea salt, and cracked pepper. Plain tomatoes with sea salt and pepper. Steamed carrots and green beans with butter. Fresh salsa. Cabbage with lime juice, sea salt, and avocado. Find what works for you. One step at a time.

And when in doubt… dance

Get out the music you love, turn it up, and dance. When I was little — still small enough for my mother to scoop me up — she would put a record on, spin me around, and dance. I can still picture my younger siblings down below, grabbing onto her legs and looking up, laughing, trying to be part of it.

Life is hard at times. But thank the dear Lord for good food, good music, and good friends. Turn the music up. Fill your fridge with things that are good to you. Tell yourself the truth about how loved you are. Breathe in gratitude, and let the heavy stuff move through and out.

I love YOU. As I’ve been writing this, I’ve felt a swelling in my chest, my heart reaching out to whoever is reading. I’m sending a big hug your way.

With love,

Steffi

If food and your body feel like a battle right now

If you are struggling with anorexia, bulimia, or any kind of disordered eating, please don’t walk it alone — and please don’t try to follow the eating suggestions in this post without support. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.

A dear friend of mine, Haley Hatch Freeman, went from near death to full recovery and wrote about it in her book A Future for Tomorrow. You can find her and her work at haleyhfreeman.com.

For professional support, the National Alliance for Eating Disorders offers a free, therapist-staffed helpline at (866) 662-1235 (Mon–Fri), with treatment referrals at findEDhelp.com. If you need someone right now, you can call or text 988 any time, day or night.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This post shares my personal experience and is for educational and encouragement purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Please work with a qualified healthcare provider before making changes to your diet or health routine — especially if you have celiac disease, an eating disorder history, or any medical condition.