Why I Choose Not to Drink Alcohol

Why I Never Took a Drink — and a Word of Hope for Anyone Who Struggles

From a very early age, I could see the difference between the homes where alcohol had a place at the table and the homes where it didn't — and the mark it left on the families I loved. Movies, music, and television can make almost anything look beautiful. But I was watching something else unfold, up close.

… was unfaithful when he was drunk.

… brought shame and deep poverty on his family through his addiction to alcohol.

… spent his wages on drink, for himself and his friends, while his own family went without.

… once had her young son carry her on the handlebars of his bicycle down to the bar, so she could reach her husband and rescue what was left of his paycheck before it disappeared into another round for him and his buddies.

… once shot himself in the leg by accident.

… had been an accomplished pianist who played in a band with his brothers, with a beautiful home and a place in an affluent family — all before Prohibition ended. When it was repealed and the drink came flowing back, he began to drink too, and slowly, over years, it took nearly everything from him.

… was struck over the head with a beer bottle as he left a bar, and the blow left him paralyzed. It took years before he could walk again. He never recovered the use of one of his arms.

… his son grew into a severe alcoholic and battled it for most of his adult life. By grace, he is sober today.

… his grandson died from the toxic mix of alcohol and certain prescription medications.

Addiction to alcohol has taken pieces out of the lives of more than one person I love. And for some, it was only the first door — the one that opened onto other addictions after it.

I was still quite young when I decided I would never taste alcohol. I made that same promise again in high school, and again in college — always with my future children in mind, and the example I wanted to hand them. I didn't want to gamble on becoming an alcoholic myself, and I wanted my kids to be able to say their mother never took a single drink, and to feel free to make that same choice.

I have friends and family who drink, and I love them dearly. I simply choose not to. It can feel lonely at times — but when I remember what my loved ones walked through, that loneliness is a small thing. I have zero desire to ever drink.

I know that in cultures all over the world, alcohol is woven into how we celebrate and gather, and countless songs are written about the joy of it, as though it's simply part of belonging. I understand that. And still, for me: no. Not once. Never.

There's one more story I carry. … lost his first wife to suicide, and was left raising four children alone. … then stepped in at just eighteen years old and took up the role of stepmother and mother both. Her husband never started drinking thinking it would one day bring so much sorrow and disgrace to his family. But it did.

So — nope. I choose not to drink. Never.

If you're the one who struggles

I don't want to leave you with only my resolve. I want to leave you with hope, and with some of the most helpful things I've come across.

Years ago, on a flight from Las Vegas to Canada, I sat beside a man who had spent his entire career running an addiction recovery center. I took notes the whole way. His wisdom reaches almost any kind of struggle, not only alcohol:

• Never call someone "an addict." The word doesn't belong in our vocabulary. The struggle itself isn't the real issue — the real issues are how much of life it's taking, and how a person has come to see themselves.
• Lead with harm reduction, not shame. Rather than demanding abstinence first, the focus is on gently reducing the damage while the person discovers what need the substance is meeting — and finds healthier ways to meet it (for example, amino-acid support in place of self-medicating).
• The person struggling is the expert. Hand them the passport; they're in charge of their own destiny. The territory to explore is theirs — physical, emotional, spiritual, mind-and-body wellness — and they're the ones who will find the answers.

The things he said genuinely help:

• steady, nurturing support alongside clear, loving boundaries
• room to grow and mature
• freedom from judgment
• getting out of the shame cycle
• naming the need the substance is meeting, and finding a healthier replacement
• learning the triggers, and gentler ways to cope with them
• rewriting the chapter — the story does not have to end the way it's been going
• reconnecting with a dream, something worth moving toward
• lifelines: remembering the good they've done, and how they wrote those chapters
• helping them believe they can take their power back
• finding the healthy patterns already in their life, and building on those

He recommended: In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté; the solution-focused therapy work of Insoo Kim Berg; the Stages of Change model of Prochaska and DiClemente; and The Heart and Soul of Change by Miller and colleagues. He also simply said to search "harm reduction" and start reading.

If my loved ones who struggled were still here, I'd tell them all of that — and then I'd hand them the work of Julia Ross. While I was training as a Nutritional Herbalist and Holistic Health Coach, one of my instructors said something that stopped me cold: she viewed every addiction the same way. Food, gaming, television, pornography, shopping — all of it, she believed, tracing back to nutritional and amino-acid deficiencies. Julia Ross's books, The Mood Cure and The Diet Cure (and her site, themoodcure.com), lay out how those deficiencies can drive so much of what we struggle with — and why so much healing begins in the gut. I found it fascinating, and worth exploring with a knowledgeable practitioner.

Let me say one thing plainly, from a place of love: these are supports, not substitutes. Addiction — especially to alcohol — can be a matter of life and health, and coming off it can even be medically risky. Please don't walk it alone. A doctor, a counselor, or a recovery program can walk beside you, and there is no shame at all in reaching for that hand.

For emotional support along the way

The Essential Life reference book (p. 295) points to a handful of oils many people reach for during seasons of change:

• Copaiba — often associated with mood support and a sense of calm
• Grapefruit, Black Pepper, Clove, and Cinnamon Bark — reached for to help curb cravings, support the body's natural detox, and renew energy
• Melissa — to help clear the heavy, looping thoughts that make change feel impossible
• Bergamot — to nurture a sense of self-worth
• Peppermint — for a lift, a breath of buoyancy, a little reprieve from painful feelings

The same book offers a blend some reach for as a mood boost (p. 296): a drop each of Patchouli, Bergamot, and Copaiba. If you ever consider taking oils internally, please check first with a qualified aromatherapist or your healthcare provider — not every oil is suited to it, and your safety comes first.

I hope, with all my heart, that something here reaches the person who needs it — whether that's you, or someone you're praying for. You are not your struggle. Your story isn't finished. And the next chapter is still yours to write.

With so much love,

Steffanie

If you or someone you love is struggling: In the U.S., you can call or text 988 any time to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call SAMHSA's free national helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for help with alcohol or drug use. You don't need to have the right words ready. You only have to reach out.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Nothing here is intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, and it is not a substitute for professional medical or mental-health care.