Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Tears. Long pause. This is the first time that the paralysis ‘wave’ (I’ll call it), has affected my writing.
I run hard. Crash. I fall back again.
I make another attempt to dash at the unseen enemy that lashes out at me and spews its poison (what it feels like) in my mind.
I am paralyzed for a moment. The enemy laughs.
I picture myself in the arena, fighting the enormous monster. I can see it, I can feel its lashes… the onlookers look at me with confusion and some laughter. They cannot see it. The terrible dragon is invisible to them, but terrible and frightening to me.
The dragon suddenly vanishes and I put down my sword. I look around at the onlookers. I can read their faces. I know I must have looked crazy. I pray that the next time…
I will be alone when the dragon comes.
How it has felt fighting the unknown.
A bite that swelled as if a clown had injected a balloon under my skin by my wrist and had blown it up slowly, mockingly, reveling in my pain and fear as the balloon inflates to my elbow…
A well meaning Dr. gave me a… vaccine.
Paralysis. Like a gentle, slow motion wave… the paralyzing, numbing feeling had spread down one leg and I could feel it slowly traveling up and down my right side and then slowly crossing over to the left…. Fear…. I tell my missionary companion that we need to get home as soon as possible. I do not remember getting home. Only waking up confused as my missionary companion jumps off of her bed and exclaims “Hermana!” In Spanish she continues… “you’ve been asleep for TWO days!” “The mission president is on his way down here… he’s extremely upset… what the Dr. gave you was on a list the mission president has that says “do NOT let missionaries receive this vaccine… absolutely do NOT….
My mind wanders…
I would later be told the vaccine was known for causing auto-immune diseases…
I look back… I see the pattern… every few years… a different auto-immune condition that I have always, ALWAYS been able to reverse using diet changes…
Cleaner, purer foods… repeat, repeat, repeat…
Herbs… more and more concentrated…
My most powerful weapon…
As the ‘wave’ of the paralysis sweeps by, it stops me physically… I pause and then resume.
The past few years it has started to affect me mentally… I pause and then resume…
ER visits… unable to talk or write… blamed on stress.
I didn’t dare sleep. I feared for my life. I thought of how ‘non-drama’ I am. For years putting myself last until finally I said I needed to go to Mexico. It was that, or… I die.
Answers found in mexico. Three-fold. We deal with the surgery, we deal with the virus, we deal with the after affects of the vaccine. A regular MD… with freedom to incorporate alternative. Treatments. Natural ones… we call alternative because of the ‘sorcery’ (pharma) that plagues America.
Insurance will pay in US. We come home.
Regular MD talks of surgeon “I trust him with my life”. Appointment is tomorrow to meet with the surgeon.
Also referred to regular MD… but I was told this Dr. is “brilliant” but … “different than others”… this Dr. went to “Mexico to get treatment for his patient that he could not get in the US”. I was told… “this Dr. has saved my patients lives… several times.”
The appointments set in the US… husband leaving today to head to Texas… to train to teach it will bring in extra money needed. The plan was to come back to Mexico after the hernia operation.
The paralyzing feeling let up for a brief moment and my thoughts become…
It comes again.
Pause. Wait. Pause.
My mind drifts back to months ago. “Mommy ok. God knows”. Words I was able to tell my children as they looked at me with tears streaming down their faces, others crying loudly in the background. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t get my arms and hands to respond to what my brain was trying to communicate. It was scaring my children and husband. We all cried… ER again.
Terrifying. The paralysis had been creeping up into my head and neck area…
Come and go… paralysis and freedom…
The dragon laughs out loud. Earth angels look on as they send prayers my way…
I am alone. Nobody understands this battle except for me. Nobody can see it.
I feared for my life.
Paralysis hit in my throat and mouth. I thought it was the end as death had me in a choke hold. My thoughts and ears listen… my dear friend has thrown me another weapon….into the arena… I struggle to reach for it as I wonder….
My last breath… two warriors are driving to help me… they are in the distance… skilled medical Dr’s from the US….
But I cannot breathe…. I need help now.
Dr. James. He and his staff are in the arena with me…
The suffocation… If I could just reach up…. If I could just unlock the glass door that is preventing them from helping me…
The grip…. The suffocation… the anger, the envy … the pain. I recognize….
Oh. Dear. God. I recognize…
The grip is loosened around my neck.
I walk over and unlock the door. Yes…. Other Dr’s were on their way…
Everyone pauses as they watch. They understand now.
Bloody, weak, bruised… tired from all the years of struggling alone.
I am carried. Completely unable to help myself any more…
My mind goes back to the dream… to the experience I had at the tiny hospital.
Too sacred to share… but I heard my Grandfather’s voice. It was him.
Crazy. Perhaps. You get that way after so many years of imprisonment and unfair treatment.
I weep. How can I abandon them in the arena. …
Angels take them away… they turn back looking at me. They smile….
Blurr…. Nothing else ….
Last night. Terrifying. Melissa oil… lavender…. Applied … applied.
People may mock…
Posted by Steffi at 5:44 AM