Sunday, November 28, 2010

Forgive

My mind is whirling with all of the attacks.  Disappointment, criticism, anger, apathy, grief - I can see it in your expressions.  There are so many of you.

It would be better if I just get off at the next stop.  I'm not capable of being on the same team.  I lack the drive to finish.  I lack the strength to even stand.  When I am still, I can feel my body trembling.

The struggle inside, no one knows.

The mental battle that is going on, it cannot be seen.

The pain in my heart from years of disappointment.  The heaviness is unnoticed to the passerby.

Shutting out the world numbs the pain for a moment, but the pain and reminders from the past bury the pain deeper still.

Such a failure as a human being.  Such a failure in so many ways I cannot begin to make a list...

Crawling at times to get my family to church.  We are late.  I see the looks of judgement.  My husband kisses me on my temple and whispers to me "I'm proud of you!  You are here". 

As I sit in the chair I can feel my body trembling.  I'm struggling to hold my body upright in the chair.  The weight of my 5 month old is too heavy for me to carry.  I pass her off to my husband to hold. 

The tears continue to fall until the end of the class.

My husband walks me to the next class.  He stays with me in the hallway and helps me to stand as we wait to enter the room.

A good friend gave me a hug and the tears fell freely.

It would have been easier to stay home.  It would have been easier to not have to work through the pain.  It would have been less noticed, my pain, if I could have just stayed home.

Just like having a good workout physically, I returned home from church exhausted mentally and emotionally.

It was a good workout.  Those spiritual muscles burned.

Good job.  My husband and God, and a dear friend were the only ones who knew the struggle.

My war is a silent one.

It feels like I am swimming upstream in a strong current.  I may only be staying in place as I struggle against the current, but at least I am not being taken downstream and into the sea.

I will continue to swim - despite the pain.

I choose to live.

I choose to forgive.

I choose to laugh.

And I choose to love.

Gratitude.

-Steffanie

2 comments:

Breezy said...

Sometimes it feels like you are the words to my brain. Sometimes it helps me to have words....you are better at writing them than I am. Thank you for sharing your journey! Love ya!

Steffi said...

Love you too!