Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Back away slowly from the gravy...

A friend posted a comment on Facebook a couple days ago about potato chips.  She said "Potato Chips for breakfast! :D All 4 food groups- Veg, grease, salt, trans fats! Mmmmm!!!"  My first instinct was to say "STOP, Put your HANDS UP, BACK AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY from the Potato Chips". 
My friend, mentioned above, is an absolutely gorgeous marathon runner, mountain bike rider, has kids who have graduated High School, is tan, skinny, long dark hair, and is absolutely beautiful.  It made me laugh to think that even SHE succumbs to potato chips every now and then.
The Women's Conference that I spoke at was incredible.  Not because of anything special I contributed, but because of the other amazing women there and because of the messages.  I needed to attend myself. 
 As I was thinking about the theme of the conference, I thought about how they talked about how when you shed the "weight" in your hearts and minds, the "weight" physically will come off naturally.  They also talked about that when we back away from the food, we are left at times with the pain, fear, sadness or loneliness that we feel when we are away from food.  We need to look for good substitutes for the pain instead of using food to numb what we may be feeling.
This morning I had a conversation with a friend on the phone.  Questions were asked, I gave answers that masked the way I really felt, and then after the conversation ended, I sat in the chair contemplating everything that was said and unsaid.  Isn't it incredible how we try to cover up and forget about things that cause us pain and try to go on with life as if nothing is wrong, nothing ever happened, and that we can confidently deal with the present moment?  When truth is, we need to take time to truly heal from past mistakes that were made by ourselves or ones we love that deeply hurt or affected us in some way.
This morning as my heart hurt, and as I pondered on everything the friend had talked to me about, I wandered into the kitchen.  There were some Gluten-Free Quinoa chips on the counter that my husband had bought.  I dislike the taste, but there I found myself almost in a trance-like state eating these chips with slices of butter in between them!  Then, I took out some Gluten-Free Chocolate Organic Ice cream from the fridge. 
By the way, I HATE the TASTE OF CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM, but there I was slowly eating about 1/4 a cup of it...still in my trance, still thinking, still hurting.  Then to make matters worse I opened up the fridge and found some leftover gravy.  I ate a couple spoonful’s of LEFT OVER GRAVY!!!  Am I a hypocrite or what!!!  There I was yesterday thinking about how my friend was eating those disgusting chips and then here I am today having a breakfast of chips, butter, ice cream and gravy.  This is a good reason to ONLY have food in your house that is healthy.  I can thank my husband for purchasing the chips and ice cream.
At the conference one of the speakers, a former Mrs. Utah, talked about an "emotional" eating binge that she had experienced.  She was attending the U of U at the time.  She had one class to finish before graduating.  In the class she attended one Saturday, there was a group discussion and then a question directed at her or about her triggered something deep inside.  She didn't know what it was that brought up so much pain, but after the class she found herself driving to a fast food place.  She ordered a cheeseburger, fries, drink, and an ice cream. THEN, she traveled to another fast food place where she ordered ANOTHER burger, curly fries, a chocolate sundae etc. and then a THIRD place she bought an entire meal again.  Here was someone, a gorgeous, thin Mrs. Utah winner who had just binged on food at three fast food places.  She said that she didn't understand WHY she had done that.  She had never been nor ever will be bulimic or anorexic.  She didn't throw up the food, but it caused her to ponder what it was that triggered such an emotional response in her.
With the thought "Back away from the chips"(reflecting on the post I nearly wrote to my friend), I applied that to myself and thought "Back away from the gravy".... I put my spoon down and the cold gravy (yuck) and let the emotions come.  I felt hunger.  I felt pain.  The sadness came, then the tears.  I needed something to fill my needs.  I imagined cuddling up in a warm blanket with some warm herbal tea and envisioned myself with my scriptures.  I think I'll stop writing this and go grab my scriptures.  They need some dusting off.  I feel pain.  I feel sadness.  I need the Savior right now.  He can help take away the emptiness I feel right now, the confusion and the weakness.  I need understanding and I need peace.
“Step away from the _____________” (You fill in the blank)

I’m sending love and light your way!
 -
Steffanie

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